24 Hours of Lemons - ZZ Uber Das Driver

[Genshammer]

Take $500 or less and buy a running (hopefully!) car with it, assemble a team of six drivers who are blockheaded enough to consider racing the deathtrap, let alone drive it on the street, and what do you get? The 2007 24 Hours of Lemons.

Timmy and I read about this debacle last fall in Car and Driver and figured it was the perfect venue to show off our backyard racing skills. The second we got the hilarious details on the race, we created a team, a cloudy vision, some hack drivers, and were hunting for a car.



Team Name: ZZ Über Das Driver
Team Motto: Last in the alphabet, and close to it on the track.
Team Concept: Zed Ziebart Über was a German counterculture motorsports icon in the 1920’s whose name was eventually smeared by the advent of shoddy modern rustproofing. Clad in a leather racing cap, massive goggles, a fireproof scarf and Lederhosen, the mustachioed madman was a snapshot of style despite his dismal racing performance.

While his competitors raced high-dollar precision engineered autos, Z.Z. Über raced low-dollar schlocky hunks of crap. While his German countrymen re-engineered, Z.Z. Über de-engineered. He believed that “das Driver”, not “das Auto”, was the true secret to winning. Although his visionary concept never once netted him a victory, today we keep the legacy of Z.Z. Über das Driver alive by offering our own low-dollar schlocky hunk of crap crafted with the same absence of exactitude and funding that he pioneered so many years ago. We hope to see you on race day in our fireproof Lederhosen.

After a few weeks, we found a winner.

Its a 1983 VW GTI with 150,000 original miles that we found down in Salinas. Coincidentally, the seller's house was right next door to a defunct used car lot. We were a little nervous about the purchase, but once we showed up and saw the condition of the car, and negotiated the paltry purchase price of $150, we left the famed home of John Steinbeck with a toothy grin. Even if the car completely blew up on the way home, it was a minimal investment.

Timmy shaking hands with the previous owner. There's something he knows about the car that we don't. Probably more than one thing.

(Note: Used car dealership sign in background.)Although the purchase price was only $150, the underhood inspection revealed multiple issues: Bad exhaust manifold, blown clutch, poor shifter linkage, leaking water pump, broken fuel gauge, missing timing belt cover, melted wires and a dead battery. The car ran like crap because the CIS system was all jacked up. It also was in terrible need of an alignment and the tires were totally bald. Ah yes, our forefather, ZZ Über would indeed be proud of our schlocky hunk of crap.

The pluses? It came with aftermarket shocks and springs, a cam, a nice MOMO steering wheel and sway bars all around.

So we pulled out of Salinas, crossed our fingers and made the trek back to Los Gatos. How did it run? In a word - barely. The engine ran so rough and was so loud it made the dashboard shake violently. Accelerating in 5th gear on the highway was out of the question. The linkage was so bad that 1st gear was a neverending struggle to find and the clutch was so worn that revving to 3K rpms was required from a start on the slightest uphills.

I took my life into my own hands and decided to see how it handled with bald tires up San Jose/Soquel Road. I chased Timmy in his silver TT and the GTI handled amazingly well considering how beaten up it was. This car has a ton of potential.


We made it back to LG with no issues and parked the heap with one of our chief sponsors, M and M Auto House, who specialize in VW, Audi, BMW and Porsche. The owner, Barry Hyde, is a terrific guy and is also a member of the race team. The two 1.8 gurus, James and Tony went to work on the GTI and got it all dialed in.

The car now runs like a champ! Wow, night and day difference. Mods and repairs included:

New linkage and clutch
New water pump
Dialed in CIS
Timing belt cover
New brakes and rotors
new exhaust
Used $20 header from Shed Racing

Now its time to start building the cage!

Kurt
_________________
"Its better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain

[Genshammer]

Although the race rules say that a 4 point roll bar with door bar is the minimum for protection, we figured that because our car is under 2000 lbs and we're going to be facing off against Caprices, Buick Electras and god knows what other over-chromed beasts of American iron, we better go Uberkill on the cage.

Therefore, we summonsed the assistance of our buddy, Josh Nie, who owns DesertLab. After taking one glance at his fully self-fabricated Pro Class Ranger, it was glaringly obvious his cage building skills were light years beyond what we required for our lowbuck project. But as always, he was super stoked and enthusiastic about helping us out. Although I can't help but think he was second guessing himself when we pulled our shitbox into his driveway. To support my theory, upon our arrival he let out a chuckle and said "well, it is what it is..."


A quick trip to Sims Metal and $250 later, we got all the tube and plate to build the ultimate cage and then some.


The ZZ Uber Das Driver sled getting fitted with the main hoop. By the way, it's been a nearly 2 year labor of love getting Josh's Ranger completed, but man, once he gets that beast on the dirt, I'm sure it'll be worth every waking hour of work!


Josh measuring out the diagonal brace bar. The hoop fit so snug and tight that we actually had to do a little body panel banging with the sledge.


Tacking it in.


The rear x will help with lateral stiffness and also keep the entire unibody from crunching if - and more certainly - when we get rammed from behind or the side. When we're done with this cage, the unibody will be nothing more than an exoskeleton. We're basically welding in a subframe to make this little GTI harder than a Rabbit in springtime.

More pics to come...

Kurt
_________________
"Its better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain

[Genshammer]

Now you know about our schlocky hunk of junk, now meet the schlocky drivers cursed with driving the ZZ Über Das Driver team car.


Mark Vecchiarelli - A crack go-kart racer and owner of a gorgeous 1986 Porsche 930. This dude knows how to drive. Unlike most of us, he has skillz. Barry called him in as one of our numerous secret weapons.


Travis Bertelsen - You think his stare is insane, you should see his YouTube video! Another secret weapon we can call in just in case the race turns into a crash-em-up, bash-em-up, drift-o-matic car race.


Tim Cannard - The proud owner of Buy-Cell.com and the co-founder of team ZZ Uber. He is a die hard VW/Audi guy, and convincing him to run anything other than a MK1 GTI proved futile, so there you have it. Although he didn't get a driver's license until he was 25 (not kidding!), Timmy C caught onto performance driving quickly. But we'll see how he pans out on raceday.


Barry Hyde - The owner of M and M Auto House, one of our title sponsors. Barry decided to leave the driving duties to the common sensically challenged, so he'll be our pit crew manager on race day. Smart guy.


Kurt Gensheimer - yours truly. No true car racing experience, but I've done many a high performance day at Thunderhill, Sears Point, Laguna Seca, and other tracks in my Rx7 and Rx8. I also have a wealth of experience dodging rogue cars in congested urban areas, so I'm sure that will help prepare me for the melee which will unfold amidst 89 other schlockboxes.

Not pictured is Mike Reed - a HUGE sponsor through his company, Amp'd Mobile, who helped us get what we need for the car.

We've also got one more secret weapon up our sleeve, but he is so secret and such a weapon, that we can't reveal his identity. Besides, he might not be able to make it on race weekend because he may be testing his team's Daytona prototypes for 2008. Like I said, he's a secret weapon.

More to come!
_________________
"Its better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain

[Genshammer]

Hoookay, its been 3 weeks and the cage is almost done. Its definitely taken more time and work than I originally expected, but at least we'll be safe from oversize hunks of American crap careening into us. I can't even imagine how Josh feels having worked on his truck for nearly 2 years without even pulling it out of the driveway yet!

Josh left the majority of the welding to me, and boy was that a mistake. I'm more on and off with a MIG than a lightswitch at an Alaskan brothel in winter. Some welds look "stack o dimes" while others look like Steve Wonder got his hands on the gun.


The floor plates were the hardest for me because the unibody is paper thin and the plates are 3/16". My hack welding is evidenced by the above photo. If you look carefully, you can even see a little daylight peeking in from below. Whoops. Come on, gimme a break, I'm used to melting through 1/4" plates of steel with an ARC welder. I've never done this 1/16" sheetmetal crap before!


Upon seeing my disaster, Josh seized the gun from me and showed my sorry ass how its done. As you can see, I also got the race seat mounted into the car. I lucked out and found an old Celica seat sitting in someone's front yard one afternoon in Los Gatos. Freebie! I cordoned it stripped it bare and used the rails. Seat is fully adjustable and works perfectly!


WOW! Straight up dimez, yo! Kid's got mad skillz. (I'll let it be known though that the beautiful welds from the tube to plate were my work.) Josh pulled two pieces of scrap steel from his workbench and demoted me to bench practice until I could trigger weld consistently. Consistency wasn't my problem. I was consistent. Consistently bad.


Josh inspected the rest of my welds around the car and gave me a little props on a few sections that looked pretty good, but his overall reaction was "well, at least the tube work is killer." True. True. However, if the welding looked pro all the way around, it wouldn't be fitting of the ZZ Uber Das Driver mantra - complete absence of exactitude and attention to detail.



Let the shameless decal applications begin!
_________________
"Its better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain

[Genshammer]

10 days and counting until carnage commences! I just found out tonight from Travis what is behind one of the qualifiers for the race, termed "Throwarodapalloza". Apparently the judges put the your car in neutral, fire it up, put the pedal to the metal, and hold it at full redline throttle for 30 seconds (or longer?). Throw a rod? You don't qualify. (That might actually be good news). OH YEAH! This race is going to rule. That is, if we make it to the start line.

Now its time to reveal some of our double-classified lowbuck mods. It's gonna be like watching the History Channel revealing all the greatest battle secrets of our invincible military.


My custom made dash complete with broken oil pressure needle, non-functioning headlight and hazard switches, and of course the stylish counter-counterculture 'burnmyspace.com' sticker. What does work though is that toggle switch and LED - manually controlled electric fan so we know its actually working. The cig lighter works too in case we need a fire source. Seriously though, someone needs to burn myspace. Burn it mercilessly. Please.


No GTI would be complete without the golf ball shifter. Billet no less. But don't be misled, it's the cheapest, softest, most thread-stripped Chinese made billet aluminum I've ever seen. Remember folks, $500 limit. Can't spring for the bling.


Battery relocated to the passenger seat for better weight distribution and more importantly so during the race the driver can conveniently shock some sense into himself and realize "Holy battery acid! I must be a complete blockhead for being in this schlockbox right now!"


The cage is done, seat is in, and let me tell you, welding some of the tubes in this thing was like being tangled in a steel jungle gym designed for a dwarf.


The other secret - Bridgestones balder than Jason Alexander. But fret not Mr. Race Organizer dude, we got some fresh tread getting put on as I clack the keyboard.


If its good enough for my iron lawn furniture, its good enough for ZZ Uber.


And what Rustoleum can't fix, a black sticker can.


Genius. Simply genius. Timmy C shows off his prized find for the car.


Its a boner-fide race car now!


Timmy - "Nah, dude, not even. Forget the brake ducting, this is where the curb feelers are going."


Mark - "I swear Timmy, that Steelhead was this tall. No joke!"
Timmy - "Nah dude. Not even. You shoulda seen the native I pulled outta San Lorenzo. Twice as big as that."
Travis - "Seriously though, have you seen my YouTube video?"


Travis drifted around the block a few times and gave the ZZ Uber sled a thumbs up. Rumor has it his racing suit looks EXACTLY like his work clothes. Man, that dude has his game together!

Sooo what's left?

Front tube bumper with leftover steel
Tires
Decal-o-rama
Install belts, net and fire extinguisher

And a few secret touches we won't reveal till race day.
_________________
"Its better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain

[Genshammer]

Well, tomorrow's the last day for doing work on the car, and although we bought this counfounded schlockbox waaay back in March, here we are, still drinking beers and cramming at the last minute to get little things done. We got the race tires put on and an alignment done. The tie rods were finger tight and only about 5 threads away from complete disaster! Good thing we checked that before hitting the track. Nothing like steering hard left and seeing your driver side tire snap and violently go right. Right into your suspension.

Timmy and I removed all the glass the other night and installed steel brake lines in the front. While fixing the stripped piece-o-Chinese-shit golf ball shifter, Timmy got a little out of control with the JB Weld and experimented to see if he could weld his nostrils shut. Didn't work.


After a long night of breaking stuff and covering up our mistakes, we quickly realized the four most essential items a hack lowbuck mechanic needs in preparing for the 24 Hours of Lemons. Without these magical tools, you cannot even consider yourself properly prepared. You can bet your ass we'll have these with us on race day. (Note: the hammer pictured is our smallest one. We have FAR bigger ones ready to wield).


The last major project was using the remaining steel to build a bumper adequate enough to protect our radiator from dying a premature and hellacious death. We plan on going there with one radiator and coming home with one. Hopefully the same one. Still working, too.



I booty fabbed this prerunner-style bumper up in about 5 hours. Now all we need are some missile launchers coming out the headlights. That's what Friday is for.


We've been doing some neighborhood test runs, and the car is dialed. It's great seeing all the looks on peoples' faces as I drive down a quiet residential street in a raspy riotous Rabbit with no windows, a full cage and a cow bar on the front. Some are grins, others are scowels but most are people just scratching their heads.

Tomorrow we decal the hell out of the Rabbit with nice custom die-cut ZZ Uber Das Driver graphics courtesy of Pro Signs of Los Gatos. Thanks to Ellen Lowney for hooking us up!

You probably won't hear from us again until after the race (unless we die...just kidding mom), so wish ZZ Uber Das Driver lots, no MEGATONS of luck, 'cause we're showing up with no spare parts determined to rock it till the wheels fall off. Literally. We're just hoping they fall off AFTER the checkered flag.

Heil ZZ Uber Das Driver!!!

Kurt G.
_________________
"Its better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain

[Genshammer]

Hooo leee shizzles. What a day. I'll save the best story for last.

We got the decals on today. Car is pimpin' now. Here are a few sneak peek pix.




The decals from ProSigns of Los Gatos came out amazing. Our car now has a tasteful mix of race car slash schlockbox to it.

Now onto the big story of the day - Fitting the Rabbit into our friend Dean's trailer...a roofless enclosed construction trailer with a three foot platform height not designed for ANY car. And oh, did I mention that we didn't have aluminum ramps? Yeah, so we had to make ramps out of wood. Riiight. This was going to be interesting, and potentially disastrous.

But thanks to my ramp driving skills, we got the car up on the trailer without any problems. The problems didn't start arising until we were actually ON the trailer and realized...hmm, this car isn't going to fit. We needed an extra 18" of space. Operating on 6 hours of labor with no food or water, Timmy and I were zonked out of our skulls. But instead of throwing in the proverbial towel, we opted instead to take off the front and rear bumpers, and as God as my witness, well I'll let the camera do the talking...





As you can see, there wasn't a millimeter of space left. It was as if this trailer was custom built for the Rabbit...sans bumpers of course...and oh, with the tailgate open. At least we won't have to worry about ratcheting the car down.

Jay Lamm, if you're reading, there should be some kind of an award for this one. Hey, what would this race be without a couple of renegade numbskulls showing up with a car on a construction trailer?

So we're loaded and ready! Altamontring, here we come!

Kurt G.
_________________
"Its better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain

[Genshammer]

THIS JUST IN...ZZ Uber Das Driver Rolls on the Competition in the 2007 24 Hours of Lemons - Literally!



Wow, what a weekend. Carnage everywhere, amazingly creative cars, concepts and teams everywhere, leaking oil everywhere, and the permeating smell of burnt rubber, unburnt fuel and half-burnt burgers everywhere. It was epic.

But how did it go for ZZ Uber? Let's just say we were doing so well with the tires on the ground, that we wanted to make it more challenging by testing the traction of our roof. Didn't work out too well.

The Highs:

* 2nd place in the backwards driving bonus points competition thanks to Travis gave us an early 9 lap leg up on the field.


* When it was running - with heavy emphasis on the 'when' - the Rabbit was flawless (an oxymoron, I know). Point and shoot. Make any turn, dive any gap. One of the fastest cars out there.


* Getting the very first red flag of the race in the form of a harrowing and crowd-pleasing rollover thanks again, to our rental car reckloose, Travis. (You saw his Youtube video, right?) NOTE: If you have any images of the ZZ Uber on its roof, please please send them to kurt [at] buy-cell dot com. Thanks!

*After the rollover, blasting the oil out of the cylinders, cleaning up the car and getting it back on the track within 30 minutes
* The rollcage. Couldn't even tell we had been roof surfing on the track.
* The tube bumper. Rammin' fools all day.
* After the roll, pleasing the crowd in the chicane every lap with monstrous clouds of blue smoke from the spilled oil hitting our exahust manifold. I was worried we were going to get the "Al Gore Jr." penalty.


* Harrison and Mark 'sailin' past nearly 20 positions in the late hours of the evening.

*Timmy C taking a crippling hit in the driver's side door from a Ford Taurus and still blasting past it.
*Maneuvering around the "Do or Die" hearse every lap. (That was my favorite car next to the Lemon Chicken entry).
*Super-friendly neighbors - Team WTF with the Orange CRX which was front running all weekend helped us out a lot. Thanks guys! And thanks also to Carl from New Mexico who helped troubleshoot the car.


*Watching the "Sum Bitch" Camaro doing a brakestand in the penalty box, not even getting phased by the Bobcat, then going roofless so the drivers could flip the bird to everyone as they drifted Smokey and the Bandit-style around the track. Those guys were true badasses, but deep down, I really wish Lemon Lappers would have gotten the "People's Curse". Maybe I was just jealous.


Appreciating the wit and creativity of Jay Lamm and his partners in automotive schlockyness.

The Lows:
* Of course, the rollover.
* Once the fuel tank got half empty, every time we made a hard right, the fuel pickup would starve and cut power for a second.
* Totally unprepared for the race. 1) ghetto trailer 2) no lights 3) no generator or air compressor, 4) no spare parts and 5) perhaps the biggest oversight, nobody who knows 1.8 liter VW engines inside and out!
* Getting plastered with dirt, grit, nuts, bolts, runaway EZ-Ups and a plethora of other rogue items thanks to the non-stop gale storm all day.


* Car unexplicably dying at 9:15 Saturday night just as Travis was doing his best Dukes of Hazzard offroad passing technique and getting black-flagged by Jay.

* Trying to troubleshoot the car in the dark.
* Listening to Timmy C tell me every theory on planet Earth and beyond about what the problem might be even though he knows as much as me - nothing.
* Laying under the car at 7AM getting a fresh shower of gasoline as I tried replacing the fuel pump.


*Still dicking with the car at 9:30AM when racing commenced.

*Eventually throwing in the towel when we realized it was a distributor issue and nobody had a spare.

When we were running, things were great. But it just wasn't in the cards for us this year. Regardless of the rollover, we were simply not well enough prepared to make it all the way. This race commands schlockboxes of ultimate engine reliability, component durability and malleable fenders.

And for the folks who are chastising us for ruining a GTI, fret not. The car will easily live to see another 24 Hours of Lemons. Here's how ZZ Uber looked after we dumped it out of the trailer at M&M Auto House, sans bumpers of course.





Now it looks like a REAL race car! The dents give it more character; like a battle-worn sailor. By the way, the car was definitely shorter when we put it back in the trailer at the end of the weekend. Even got it in with the tailgate closed!

So in the end, yes, we were really disappointed. Lots of work and prep for a partial day of racing. But it could always be worse. For instance, there was a crew of Canadians who drove over 1000 miles only to have their Jetta turn itself into a mobile bar-b-que firepit early on the second day. I felt for them for a moment. Then I went back to feeling sorry for myself.

Regardless, the thrill we got watching the very first lap of the race made everything worthwhile. The wind-driven dirt and grit, the ferocious howling of tires, the choking plumes of smoke and the craptastic cars made this an event to always remember. Hopefully Jay will give ZZ Uber a chance to redeem ourselves next year. After all, Travis wants to go for two complete rolls instead of just one partial roll.

I'll post more pix in a few days.

Long live the 24 Hours of Lemons!

Kurt G. aka UberKill
_________________
"Its better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain

[chomper]

that is fucking sikk!!!

[Genshammer]

New video fresh from the editor's desk!



ZZ Uber Das Driver at the 2007 24 Hours of LeMons.

Enjoy!

Kurt G.
_________________
"Its better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain